Christian Celebration – The real portion
Tonight, I didn’t quite feel like I was able to express everything in that short moment I was standing up. Unfortunately, I didn’t really prepare all too well, and I didn’t ask for the Lord’s assistance either so it came out all wrong and not as sentimental as I wanted it to be.
So this is the real one.
Since I came to be within the Christian’s on Campus group, it was a very hard struggle and a battle within myself, I can blame Satan or just something else inside me but I do believe that a part of him is actually your Ego, something that Freud describes so well that berates you for all the wrong that you do and the one that seeks pride or pity. And for awhile I just felt very confused as my position within the group; mainly because I worried that people would believe I was a freeloader or someone who was just in it just because and there was no real reason behind it. I came to home meetings and even meetings with Gloria & Timber sort of listlessly because spatially I wasn’t there yet. Even when I was baptized, I didn’t feel that change where people say they’ve been saved, Hallelujah! No… I just felt like me, I didn’t feel any different, like should I feel something?
And like I said, I called Gloria one time about to cancel one of our meetings (this was after spring break) and I just totally said, “I-I can’t meet anymore. Bye.” And that was it. But she called me again and I couldn’t hold what was inside anymore and started to spill my guts out and tell her my feelings. We were planning the other day about what I was going to say and I said at that time I was so distraught that imagine a painted canvas where it was just red paint splatter all over the place with maybe a touch of blue or green in there – kind of like the expressionists’ emotions. But it felt good to finally let someone know. Like even though I full and completely believe in God the whole time, I just felt completely detached from the rest of the body and it wasn’t because of anybody but my own insecurities. After awhile it felt really good to meet with the sisters on Wednesday nights eating dinner because I finally felt a part of something and it was very pleasant and I hope it’ll continue until my departure. And I should thank the Lord for helping me sticking with it all the way through.
And I shall finish this off with… YEAHHH……… 😀
The above note I also posted in my facebook, but I really wanted to share elsewhere. It’s personal but something other’s can touch because it doesn’t reveal too much or too little. In my opinion, I always felt like I revealed too much, so I just don’t know what to say anymore. I can’t help that I am blunt, and I also can’t help that lying feels like shit so I steer clear from that. And not to mention how blatantly nervous I was when I stood in front of everyone but that’s due to lack of preparation. Didn’t really know what to talk about so I just said whatever and I didn’t get to convey message at all — I only got to the surface but not what was underneath.
Lately, I feel bad for wasting a mess of time by not doing work and not trying hard enough. Now everything has begun to catch up with me and a lot, a lot, a lot!
- English Narrative – Revise short story due in 2 days
- Master Drawing for Intermediate Fig. Drawing due in two weeks
- 3 linearts for Perspective – due for Spring Show submission on Thursday
- 3 color/value for Perspective – ” “
- 3 pgs of sketched out comic one-shot
- Intro to Anatomy, hour-long self-portrait, submit tomorrow
- AX south hall door banners
- 2 AX mall ads
This feels like so much, I wonder why it had to happen this very month? Why not dispersed? Sigh.. part of it is of course my fault, half of that list I put off, and the other half is all ready by default what I should do every week. I’ve slowly begun to work on all of them but it’s so gradual, who knows if I can finish it all, especially my school things.
Both done in graphite. Head and Neck studies.