I don’t seem to be freaking out anymore.

I don’t know, but I feel relatively calm. I have been “watching” my thoughts, they sort of evaporate when I “notice” them. So what I’ve been thinking of doing lately is to get my website started. I’ve drafted a lot of things, I just need to learn how to put them together using dreamweaver. But first, I do plan on opening up an online. Lately, I can see the improv in my own work, everyone tells me, and it reassures me that I’m not mediocre and I can do it. I also want to start on an art book, if not an artbook, at least something collaborative with another artist(s). I haven’t proposed the idea to anyone yet, but I’m looking at one of my best friends, she has a blog, …and I wish I had bookmarked it. Anyways, the spring show for school, I’ve submitted some of my line art, and I was a little disappointed that I did not submit any colors.  Notice the past tense. I’ve been learning to let go of anxiety a lot more, and I’m glad to say it’s helping me a lot. I’d blow my brains for beating myself up, because I’m always thinking, thinking, thinking. God has been letting a lot of good things into my life now because I’m accepting His help. And it’s such a relief to know that it’s okay that I don’t finish things on time because of all the odds stacked against me. I’ll probably keep bitching about the AX ads, but there was a lot of letting up this week that wasn’t there last week. I don’t know, but it’s hard to explain clearly.

So the last 2 weeks, I’ve been doing the stuff that I listed in the previous post. It was just a never ending cycle of things to do for school and for the convention preparations. I didn’t mind the work but the deadlines felt cruel. And this week, things just, it just stopped. They’re just coming to an end… The ads I made weren’t approved, although I worked a long time on them, I’m not too sad, one less thing to worry about so I can shift my attention elsewhere. I was late at getting my perspective portfolio together because I needed to fix the lineart, I did them Tues. night, and I found out the portfolio isn’t due till next week. And then… yesterday, there was just a calming realization that I wasn’t going to do value for anything, it’s not that I don’t want to anymore, but it’s impossible to wow anyone with a sketchy piece that I did in just 2 days, it’s not even relevant anymore. The deadline is over, I had some weeks to work on it. Things just piled over. And now …it’s gone.

My next to do list involves talking it over with the housing people at AAU and getting a dorm there. Getting some new loans. I’m not scared about that anymore. I’ve proven myself worthy over and over again, well… at least to myself that I’m a good artist. I can pay all those loans when the time comes. People tend to put doubt into my head by asking me, “How are you going to pay for all the loans?” But ….really, it’s not something to duck your head in the dirt in. If not for the people I’ve met recently, it would have never fueled me to believe that.

I’ll post up some figure drawing pictures later.

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1 Comment

Filed under Academy of Art University, In general, Random Talk

One response to “I don’t seem to be freaking out anymore.

  1. Visarut

    Hey Tannie! Dang I haven’t updated my blog in weeks x_X; Just had time to read up on a couple of my friends blog entries.

    I was in the exactly same situation all week during April, and sadly I didn’t meet one deadline which was the first exhibition at my school =| But the second one hosted here I will enter some of my work for sure. Keep your head up and be happy, it gets better later on 😀

    Also, if you have time like later later (in a couple of months?) I wanted to ask if you want to do some collaborative work. I don’t have anything in mind right now since I am finishing up projects for my class and other illustrations for myself. If you are interested then let me know! Take care!

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