Some updates and afflicting choices for the near future.

Lime, orange, and white container
Lime, orange, and white container

Full color palette, still life, week 4.

Sketchbook pictures, people study, clothed figure drawing. I’m getting better, but I can’t look directly at people yet. It’s weird.

Now for the rant.

I’ve been feeling down lately. Because I hate making decisions. Free will is such… a difficult thing. People should feel blessed but it’s such a curse at the same time. Ridiculous, I can’t decide what I want to do. Advance my education 2 times faster or go to Italy. Advance or have a wonderful, worldly experience. Well, you only take 4 classes, I want to take 5 next spring, but that raises tuition. Does this mean I want to taste the nector of the world. Going to Italy has too many pros and cons. I just don’t know what outweighs the other.


– I meet new people, make new friends, maybe. I need to work on my aloof personality.

– See an archaic city at it’s finest.

– It’s fucking Italy.

– Broaden my horizons.

– Get out of my house for 7.5 weeks.

– Be away from people.

– Painting and drawing in Rome, Venice… the works

– Really good opportunity for exploration.

_ It’ll be fun.


– It’s about $12,000 – 13,000 D: This does not include food expense and souvenirs.

– It will take me forever to find the money.

– If I take out loans, it will take me longer to pay it all back.

– Our economy is in a recession.

– I’ll need to finally sign up for a credit card (but that’s not even a problem)

– Money is hard to come by.

– My cons are entirely made up of money issues.

– I might only take one class for summer when I should take 2.

– I could take 5 classes for all my semesters because my financial aid covers tuition and a little more, so I don’t want to borrow more money. Really don’t want to borrow anymore.

– Getting injured, or stolen from, but that’s the least of my worries.

– I feel guilty, so I am lengthening the list for cons.

– I’m being selfish, this is my heart’s desire.

Outside view:

After school, I can embark on my own personal journey. It will just take longer. I can finish school fast in 4 years, and I’ll lesson my load if I stay with my parents until graduation. What I’m worried, is that I’ll break down from living with my parents for too long. The harder the fall, the higher the ascension. Must I continue falling? All right… I should dig myself a big pit. A BIG pit, filled with snakes and darkness and hope I can climb back out again. If I dont make it out, I think mental institutions will gladly take me in for study.

Humans do not intentionally put themselves into pain, no one wants that. I don’t know how people can cut themselves, but they only think it makes them better. Mutilating a perfectly good body that was a gift; it’s like giving away your friend’s photo to some stranger so he can do dirty things with it. I should remind myself that all my possessions, even the ones I bought were given to me. That the universe has more abundance in it than what currency should mean.

Now. Italy? Or advancement? What one would be the pit? Emotionally, this is stressing me because I need to make a decision soon. So I can enroll in classes.

I can’t live with my parents forever, but I don’t want to owe anymore money.

I’m cursing in my head right now. It’s a stream of “f*ck,” “damnit,” and “this is stupid.”

Oh, yes and ants taking a liking to me. They’re everywhere around the house. Sometimes I feel them on my skin. It didn’t click to me until yesterday, but apparently, they have a message that is being delivered to me. If ants were my totem, I only think it’s temporary. They’re itchy and they bite. Lately, I feel like I’ve been getting rashes on my upper arms from nothing. It just itches so bad, but I see nothing. Such an urgent message. Well. I will admit, I’ve been slacking. I’ve been neglecting work too. I haven’t started on anything and when I do start, it’s turned in late. I said I wanted a job, but I’m not looking for it. I don’t want to do anything. I sit in front of my computer. and even when I have nothing to do on it, I still try to find something to do so I can waste time. I don’t think blogging  right now is a waste because I’m trying to sort out lingering thoughts.

Ants and what they mean? It’s obvious, they are the hard workers in society. Now I haven’t been hard working as I have just confessed! As disgusting as they do feel, I do admire them for their effort. Such small beings, they can accomplish anything they want if humans weren’t tryint to kill with Raid. I am not disciplining myself. I think it is hard to. I am neglecting my own self, I’m not even laying a good foundation I’ve been done nothing! I’m not adding new structures to my life. I need to write more affirmations now.


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