my flannel covered
Jade bed is a slab of ice
Yang Guo is not me
If you know Jin Yong, you might understand… hahaha.. Yeah, it was a little random.
I was going to post something earlier in the previous weeks, and then I was going to post another thing early in this week, but I put it off. So now… I suppose I was going to talk about Christmas and how it doesn’t mean as much to me anymore. And not all of my family members are celebrating on the same day. But that’s …okay-ish. I mean.. people have stuff to do. And I’m just too expectant. And this year is a little bit depressing. More like, down-right frustrating.
I got myself riled up to do a thirty day comic challenge, similar to nanowrimo, but I don’t have a real script… I was going to do a still life painting, but I’m just putting it off and the flowers are just dying… And I’ve got a sewing project to do. It feels like I can’t get anything right. I’m also thinking so much, I won’t be all the way home for my own bday. New years is my bday, so I suddenly feel disgusted. I feel like I’m just going to turn twenty and that’ll be it. That’s all. It’s so empty. Aging doesn’t really matter, since doesn’t really exist like we all think it does. It’s probably there so that humans can keep things organized, like keeping track of the sun. Do you think that trees know that they are so-and-so years old? All they are aware is that they have are there, and “there” has been a really long time. I try to omit the word, “time” from my vocabulary, but its so glued in there, I can say it minimally or when I need to.
And yes, I’m fucking sad with my situation. I’m so not happy. I just wish there was more I could do about it. Not resenting my living situation. What exactly am I resenting anyway? What is it? I wonder what I am doing sometimes. Being dissatisfied and unhappy without reason or cause. I’ve completely forgotten about what I read in the power of now, and various meditation techniques. I’m about ready to give up and wish for world destruction.
I just realized I used the word, “situation.” There is a difference between a “life situation” and “life.” Life situations have problems and worries. Life doesn’t. I think I just answered myself a bit. Turning my life into a life situation.
Tomorrow, I should get ready to pack up and leave for Aspendell. I hope that I have a good time for once.