Time does not seem to change all that much. Or at least sometimes, it really does not feel that way at all. My family is planning to move homes again. It is an ordeal that I thought would not happen again, and yet it is. We’ll have to pack up everything and load it up and take it out… Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. hahaha…
My body is a strange thing though. It’s been a torment to me the last year in 2013. I never felt like health would be such a big issue for me, but it suddenly has become so. Yesterday night, I suffered a horrible spell of the chills and shivered until my meds took over until 3AM, in which I was finally able to stop shivering and actually fall asleep. I had a heated blanket over me set on ‘high,’ and I also had some really nice wool socks on. My hands at first would not seem to get warm at all, they remained corpse cold. I did drank a couple cups of water, which may have been why my body had trouble warming up at first. Room temp was probably 50 degrees F… It got pretty cold last night or maybe it was because I had a fit of chills. Least to say I am pretty darn robust and healthy, except for my complicated health issues. I retired to bed early at 10pm because I knew I couldn’t focus on working. I had meant to work on my side projects last night as well as create new postings; I was planning on launching online venues using Squareup.com and Etsy to sell some of my talents and artwork… It is really hard to work when you’re in pain… It’s not excruciating, but it’s that ‘impending doom’ feeling you get when you know that if you let something fester, it’s just gonna get worse and worse. I’ve never learned how to care for myself this intensely before. My general health has now become a 24/7 maintenance, and I’m so tired of this constant battle. I’m really sleepy all the time, and I just want to have a normal sleep schedule again, which I haven’t for the past year. I wake up in the middle of the night or 2 hours too early in the morning for so many reasons, I just want to sleep through for 8 long and good hours. I love those days when I do…
With moving in the horizon, I would really like to dust off some paintings and actually get them into some fine homes so they don’t get cluttered or put away again. I did paint a couple on top of mason and gesso boards, so they are rather heavy to lift when gathered together. It makes moving hard. I try to keep most of my possessions easy to handle. I know I’m actually pretty physically weak, so when I pack, I have easy to carry boxes for all my art supplies and books to be carried. A side note, one of my friends broke his back during the fall last year, he must have been doing some intensive heavy lifting with computer equipment. Personally, found that extremely hilarious (secretly or not so secretly, I kinda hope he’s too busy to notice this blog post, which he is anyway!). I don’t really know why, I of course expressed my extreme displeasure to be the good friend that I am! People, however, really need to have some sort of prior training in lifting. Maybe they should teach that in PE class in public schools? I would recommend. >_> Books though… Books are bitches to carry. And yet I need them in my life.
In all honesty, I’m sort of scared of this move. For many reasons, insecurity and hope that this is gonna be the last time. Insecure about employment prospects for all of us…. I’ve been wanting to leave Murrieta for a long time… in fact, since I stepped foot into this house, but now I am scared to leave it because I don’t want my parents to lose something they like? But none of us are all that happy actually… so it is a good thing to leave. The best choice would be to build a time machine and to shake my parents awake so they didn’t make this silly mistake at all. The best case scenario of course would be to leave home and fly off on my own, but because I am like so many other college graduate, 20-somethings stuck in an unpredictable economy, that it’s not likely to happen for a long while. The funny thing is, my parents think that when I get married, I’m going to move out. But what if I never get married? I’ll just have to strive to be like Jane Austen.
There’s nothing quite like moving though. I’m pretty sure that it affects a child psychologically. Nothing seems stable in my life. I feel like I will always be on the move. That my relationships are shallow. I don’t have friends I know from 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade. I sort of feel jealous of the people who do. It’s strange. So very strange… When I reach a 10 year anniversary with friends, I get really excited.
In the mean time, I’ve been indulging in my own art therapy to help me with own existential issues by doing a ton of art. Some of them look like Rorschach tests…. 2013 was a year in which many things happened, and because those things happened, I began to retreat into myself to cope.
This wasn’t posted on my facebook page, but this is the texture I used for “[Don’t] Cover Your Eyes.”
And I cope by turning on specific music and drawing the hell outta my feelings. How does one draw feelings? I dunno, I can’t really say… It just happens… D: I also found a way to integrate my personal expression with my technical expression better.
Does anyone ever feel that saying “last year” even though it’s only been 2 weeks sounds weird? Just like saying good morning to someone at 1am in the morning makes you wonder if its better to say goodnight?
Despite everything, I think 2014 started off really well and that the good vibes will surely continue on.